Posts Tagged revelations

Exposed, the End or Beginning

spirit of the oceanClaire knocked on Charles’ door, curious, excited, and yet wondering if she had lost her mind. The door opened and she saw the same emotions mirrored in Charles’ eyes as he let her in. She smiled as she realized, “he wonders if he’s crazy, if I will think he is, yet he can’t wait to find out my reaction to…whatever it is he is so anxious to show me.”

He showed her where to hang her coat, and then said, “Shall we get right to it?” She nodded and he led the way down a softly lit corridor and stopped before a closed door. He turned, and said, “You go in by yourself for a few moments, it will take a little time to fully see and comprehend what is there.” She entered the room.

Large floor to ceiling windows overlooked the rocky shore and the ocean beyond. A large bed on the opposite wall was laid with pastel colored comforters and pillows. But it was the three walls with no windows that captured and held her attention.

One wall was an ocean scene, viewed from the shore – huge waves breaking, a stormy sky overhead. The second was of the open sea, the sea was calmer and there was a break in the clouds, with the sun’s rays illuminating a brightly colored ship and its sails just before it disappeared on the horizon, no land in sight. And the third was a seascape far beneath the surface of the waves, with coral and fish and more.

Claire studied each of these panels separately for a long time. The longer she gazed at them, the more she saw. In the huge waves crashing on the shore, she began to see pieces of human forms, an arm here, a face there, and she wondered if these were people who had been shipwrecked and drowned.

She didn’t detect fear or pain or panic in the faces, however. In fact, they were decidedly unemotional. She realized they were representing the elemental nature of the sea, all the life that is behind it.

In the panel with the illuminated ship sailing away, at first the water seemed dark and thick and dull…but the longer she looked, the more she thought she saw faces there as well. These faces were in agony, as if they were the faces of the dead who had been swept away by the storm, or perhaps the faces of mariners who had died at sea.

The third panel was of a coral reef, complete with colorful fish and all sorts of sea life. Here too a hidden seascape slowly emerged, and here was the sharpest thrill of them all. As she gazed at the painting, the water almost seemed to move, the fish gently breathing, fins faintly moving. As she stared in wonder, a shape slowly began emerging from the opalescent depths.

Claire squinted and stared; she saw what looked like hair and wondered if she was looking at a rendering of a mermaid; however this female creature seemed to be seated, and Claire slowly began discerning the folds of a gown or robe. And then the face became more apparent, and Claire found herself looking into her own face….

Startled, Claire turned and ran from the room, and found Charles in his study, reading and writing in a notebook. She sat down in a chair in front of his desk, visibly trembling. He looked up, put down his pen, and rose.

“Can I get you a drink? Some water, tea, wine, brandy?…”

“Brandy, please.”

After taking a couple sips, Claire put the glass down. Her trembling had stopped. She looked up at Charles in wonder. “What does it mean?”

“Tell me what you saw.” She told him, then waited while they looked at each other.

“You didn’t see all of it. Maybe we never will. But there is something else I want to show you.” They went back to the bedroom together.

Charles took her by the hand and led her back a ways from the undersea scene, then said, “Look behind her, behind the throne she is sitting on. You do see it as a throne, don’t you?” Claire nodded as she stared, then her eyes widened.

“There is a man behind her…and it looks like you!”

He looked at her face, as the wonder and amazement swept over her features. Then he took her by the hand and gazed into her eyes. “I can’t tell you what it means, but maybe we can agree that we should explore this together?” Claire nodded.

“And there is one other thing, that maybe I shouldn’t tell you, but I feel compelled. I never slept in this room, in this bed. When I discovered her in the painting, the attraction was unmistakable. When I am in this room, I cannot take my eyes off of her. It is as if I have known her for a very long time, and it felt as if this was her room, not mine.”

“When I first met you, I was shocked, amazed, and frankly, overwhelmed. I’m sorry if I appeared rude and abrupt at times, but I knew of no way to venture into this conversation, yet could not deny the sense of destiny that I have felt being around you.”

“When your performance was not up to par, I realized I had the opportunity to determine if you were ready for this room, this relationship with me. It doesn’t feel like romance, or that sort of attraction. It’s more like a door is opening and together we can explore where it leads…and it feels BIG.”

Claire looked at Charles directly, without flinching. “So that is what testing my resolve, my willingness to be open with you, was really all about?”

Charles nodded, taking both her hands now. “I was tested as well. I had to do this in such a way that I would not chase you away. I had to trust my intuition that you were ready. I had to risk losing you. Through it all, I had to reaffirm that I am ready to go somewhere I’ve never been before, cast aside all that I believe in – rationality, that this life has to make sense, there have to be reasons – and step into an entirely different life, one of opening and listening and feeling. And I had to believe that you were ready too.”

Claire dropped his hands, slowly turning and looking at all three panels, letting them simply sink into her consciousness.

“I’m ready.”

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Revealing the Truth

naked adventuring

baring the truth to my friends

He left the country with only an “I’ll be back, honey!” How could he? And can I bare my thoughts and feelings to strangers online, in such mental nudist fashion, when I’ve been told to stop being so emo by all my friends offline?

We’ve been planning a trip like that for months, saving our nickels and dimes, working out to get in shape for the inevitable hikes and perilous adventures – then he gathers up a group of friends, most of whom I don’t even know, that are more experienced travelers, hikers, backpackers, climbers…survivalists…and takes off, saying he’ll bring back what he learns and teach me everything.

I’ve sat myself down and looked at this from every angle. I’ve tried to explain my feelings, my reactions, to our other friends and they all tell me to calm down, get some rest, and come back when I’m not so emotional. That emotions don’t have a place in our circle. That what we do doesn’t work if emotions are involved.

Let me explain a bit. “Our circle” is this cool bunch of exciting, adventurous people that love to take off at a moment’s notice and do fun, unusual, crazy things that require group effort, teamwork, and yes, there has to be clarity and awareness every step of the way.

But I’m talking about meeting them at the coffeehouse and talking things over, asking for their help in figuring out if I’m over the top or if I have a right, if it’s natural to feel the way I do. And all I get is just to stuff it, as if we were in the middle of an Everest climb and there was no place for my feelings. I feel as though I undressed before them all and they just told me to put my clothes back on, I was embarrassing them all.

So now I’m asking you, my readers, since there is a bit of distance between you and I. You are not in this circle, and there are miles between us, and then there’s the anonymity of the internet.

I’ll try to strip away the nonessential and bare my thoughts and feelings. This is not as easy as one might think. I have to prepare myself to hear what I might not want to hear…

He and I were planning this adventure for a long time, along with the group of course, but he and I were the leaders on this one. We’re an eclectic rag-tag bunch with varying degrees of ability, different strengths and weaknesses, but we work wonderfully together. We balance each other. Normally none of us plan this much, we just say let’s do this! We can sever ties with our various normal lives, and off we go. But this adventure required planning…or so I thought.

I understand the part about the difficulty, and how he wants to go do it and learn before the rest of us try it. Except that we were planning this together for a long time, it was like the culmination of everything we’d ever done. Our ultimate dream. And now he’s chosen to go do it with someone else, and I am feeling it as a rejection, I feel really let down, disappointed, and left out, like I’m the little sister, not the co-partner that I’ve been all along. It’s a bit of an insult, and it came with no warning.

The part that I need help with is my experience of this as a judgment of my abilities. I feel like I’ve been judged as “not good enough”, and I’m afraid it will affect my confidence from here on out.

This isn’t about me and him. It isn’t even about what is most definitely his judgment of my abilities. It’s about my self-confidence. It’s gone, in terms of these activities.

I know that I’m the same person as I was before all this happened, but I’m wondering if I’ve been deluding myself as to my capabilities. Can others see something I’ve missed?

I bared my soul to my friends, and they basically told me to get over it, as if I was premenstrual or something. Now I stand before you mentally nude, ‘you’ being a world full of people I don’t know. Maybe by baring my thoughts and feelings I can gain some clarity, with your help. I hope I’ve told you enough that you can understand. By all means, tell me if I need to reveal more details.

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